“I love you.”
How many of us have, at one point in our lives, told someone that we loved them when we didn’t? How many people consider the depth and meaning of those three little words?
I say that I love stuff all the time. I love my bed. I love books. I love sparklers on the fourth of July. I love watching the Olympics. I love the Beatles. I love sushi, spaghetti, mint chip ice cream, and my mother’s meatloaf (it is suddenly very apparent to me that perhaps just saying I love food would be a bit easier here).
But when it comes to people… well, I try to be a bit more careful with the word “love.”
Back when I was in the eighth grade and dating for the first time, J. and I said “I love you” to one another a few weeks into the relationship. I look back and I realize we said it in the same way that a lot of teenagers do — we didn’t love each other, we couldn’t possibly. We’d only just met, so we didn’t really know each other very well. But we’d been taught by tv and movies and books that love happens all the time and very quickly, so like Romeo and Juliet, we completely confused “I like you a lot!” with “I love you.”
Ah, the follies of youth.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had very little reason to use “I love you” in the romantic sense. I didn’t really date through college — I got my flirtation out in high school, had my heart stomped on freshman year of college, and retreated into a rather comfortable life of Not Really Looking for Love. I didn’t avoid men, certainly, but I didn’t really reach out, either. But I still said “I love you.”
I say “I love you” to my family members. I say “I love you” to my closest friends. I love them, and I feel like you should tell people that you love them when you do. People deserve to hear about it when you care for them. However, over years and years of not dating and only using “I love you” to mean familial and friendly love, the weight it held in the romantic sense got completely pushed to the back of my mind.
Cue my fumbling re-entry into the dating world. Girl meets boy, girl finds boy interesting. Girl and boy start dating… boy says “I love you” almost instantly.
Girl freezes stone solid.
Suddenly I was in the eighth grade all over again. “He can’t possibly love me, he doesn’t know anything about me. We only just met. There’s no way. Why did he say that?”
The worst part? The first few times he said it, I said it back. I may as well have been telling him I love strawberries and cream for all the emotion I put behind it. I didn’t love him. I barely knew him. When I realized what was happening I stopped myself and didn’t say it again, because I didn’t love him. We went our separate ways not too much later — it just didn’t work.
Despite all that, I’m actually really glad he said it, and here’s why: it reminded me of the weight those words are supposed to have. It reminded me of the meaning those three little words should carry when said to a significant other. At the age of 25 I was re-learning a life lesson I first learned when I was 14 years old. Here was something I already knew, deep in the back of my mind, coming back to the fore.
And now I ask you, readers — have you re-learned something recently?
Ahhh “I Love You”. Needs the capitals and everything.
Even though, in the romantic sense, the words are very heavy, I never truly remember when I’ve first said them. To anyone I’ve dated. And sure, at some point I did grow to love the guys I dated for a year or more…it just comes with dating. However, it grew more into a “I love you because you’re still here” than a “I love you like I love nobody else in my life” thing.
I’ve made a promise to myself to take the words more seriously than before. When I date next, I’m going to take it slow. I want to have sparks, and keep some of them throughout the relationship. Instead of rushing into something because it’s safe, and comfortable, and makes me feel good.
…uh sorry tangent of mine.
Anyway, I don’t think one can truly love another without KNOWING them. And there’s always that ‘Honeymoon’ period at the beginning of any relationship, friend or otherwise, that of course people will think they are in love. They are giddy, excited, having fun. It’s when all of that stops, and the other person sees you for who you are – the one who likes to chill out, read a book, play a game, doesn’t always have to be entertaining people (AKA ME I GUESS LMAO) is when it’s love. When they want to stay, want to be around you without expecting something else in return.
And at this point I think that’s what a relationship is to me – not expecting. I don’t expect someone I’m friends with, or someone I date, to do things for me. I don’t expect them to pick up food for me when I’m lazy, or buy me things when I’m poor. It’s not about expectations, and I think expectations are what has ended any relationship I’ve had. Well, that and the fact I clung because I didn’t want to be alone.
Holy shit will this comment even post?
Blah. We are constantly learning, it’s the wonder of being human. Just remember what you learned from it, and keep it close and fresh in your mind. I know you will!
I haven’t really re-learned anything. As such, I am a fail.
Thanks for sharing this… I think a lot of people have been in your exact situation and for most, it takes a long time to realize what “I love you” can mean.
I re-learned “I love you” in my current relationship. I learned that it doesn’t mean “I love you…when you are nice.” “I love you…when you do things that please me.” “I love you…when I’m in a good mood.”
A real “I love you” doesn’t have a silent “but…” attached to it.